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Christmas Tree Decorating for Greyhound Owners.
Carefully choose your tree.
Eyeball up the room for best place to put tree out of the path of mad dogs.
Place tree in location least likely to attract mad dogs.
Stifle scream when inevitable crash occurs.
Set tree upright and move to second location.
Get sturdy ladder.
Tell husband to kindly leave room.
Climb ladder to start at top of tree. Stop.
Scramble down ladder and remove star from Greyhound’s yap.
Start over. Climb back down ladder and chase greyhound through house to retrieve extension cord.
Climb back up ladder. Hang four ornaments. Jump off 5th step of ladder and attempt to beat greyhound to the tinsel box.
Tell husband to pipe down – everything’s just dandy.
Climb back up ladder. Hang half a dozen more ornaments. Come back down ladder and step on greyhound who was NOT there 2 seconds ago.
Throw away empty treat box and continue to sooth offended dog.
Decide top half of tree looks just fine half naked.
Tell husband you really don’t need his help.
Continue decorating tree while performing intricate leaps and dance steps that would put a 17 year old in traction in order to avoid greyhound.
Stop to ponder how greyhound manages to migrate under your feet no matter where you happen to be.
Screw up next intricate dance step and open second box of treats.
Tell husband that you not only don’t need his help, you don’t appreciate his running commentary.
Grab remaining ornaments, wipe off dog slobber, and place carefully on tree by throwing them at the tree. Keep ornaments that catch – pitch ones that don’t.
Kick empty ornament containers down stairs.
Three parts vodka, wave tonic bottle at glass.
Repeat last step until headache recedes.