A year ago I began my relationship with the Tappan Fabulous 400, born in 1968. A stainless steel monstrosity with a double oven and four electric coil burners that actually folded away inside the beast for a more aesthetically pleasing appearance, I was at first intimidated and then awed by its overwhelming construction.
The first bump in our affection happened almost immediately; a lack of passion. The larger oven simply refused to function. After consulting a few experts, I located a new heating element (cuz it’s not like you can find one for this particular stove at Home Depot) and performed some minor surgery on my appliance. Unfortunately, the transplanted organ was rejected.
I persevered; after all, the Tappan still had one healthy organ/oven – how much food do I really need to prepare at a time anyway?
Our relationship skipped along happily for many months, but then the Tappan began acting suspiciously. The large burner began responding only sporadically, and while I was willing to overlook this rebuff of my affection, I admit to a certain amount of jealousy when Kimmie was able to coax it out of its hibernation.
Then two weeks ago, my Tappan threw what can only be described as a temper tantrum. It popped, it sparked – it blew a damn breaker! This time, a complete amputation of the offending burner was required (Not to mention carefully placed electrical tape over any remaining dangling wires), but it’s possible to survive with only three limbs, right?
A week ago it happened again – an unexpected outburst of electrical activity. I yelped my distress and poured salve on its wounds, but to no avail. Three days later, two more burners stayed stone cold. I had to face it, my poor Tappan was deteriorating before my eyes and no amount of life support could undo the damage.
Last night, the final burner took its last shaky breath while mac and cheese sat congealing. Sure, the stove can breathe on its own (in the form of the small oven) but its brain, in essence, is gone. All I can do is give it the death and tribute it deserves for its many years of faithful and devoted companionship.
It was a loving partner and I’m sure it will understand my need to upgrade.
*Donations can be made to the Island of Misfit Toys, North Pole. Thank you