Today was test day (see prior blog post regarding schedule). A couple of hours in, I had to report to a lab for a GFR aka kidney filtering test. I was half an hour late due to a time-challenged social worker, so when I first encountered Sue, a round bespectacled woman with short, curly reddish hair, I was stumbling over myself with apologies (plus, I really had to pee).
She said, “These social workers know better. They know this is the most important thing for you to do today.” Her words weren’t just departmentally proprietary either; turns out, she’s right. If they don’t know how my kidneys are filtering waste, what good am I as a donor?
I replied, “She asked too! I told her when I had to be here, and she even put her watch on the desk.”
Sue shook her head, “We’ve just been crazy today. That’s the only reason we didn’t call her up and chew her out.”
“Well then she’s just lucky she gets a free pass today.” I said with a vigorous nod. Lab rats, like many computer types, tend to highly eccentric and I just adore interacting with them. Plus, anything that gets my ass out of trouble is definitely a direction I want to go.
“Can you give me a sample?” she asked.
That’s code for ‘peeing in a cup’.
“Are you kidding? I’ve been saving it up just for you.”
She walks me into the well-lit, wheelchair accessible, unisex bathroom. In the near corner was a cute basket filled with handi-wipes; a wonderful amenity in a restaurant, but here, when the intended body part was a bit – lower – well, it gave moist little towelettes a whole new meaning.
In the far corner was a small shelving unit, and in the center was a big stack of…. You got it.
Sue reached for them and said, “I’m going to put two hats in the toilet but try to aim for the front –“
“Wait,” I interrupted, “Are those things seriously called hats? I thought my sister was making it up because they look like –“
“The flying nun’s wimple?” she finished.
“Well yeah,” I laughed, savoring that image of Sally Field.
Sue told me the ‘technical’ name for the little urine collectors but apparently the accepted colloquial term is, in fact, ‘hats’. Truth in advertising, if you ask me.
Besides, who doesn’t wish they could say they peed in a hat?
**As a aside, I recently heard a great story about suffragists Alice Paul and Lucy Burns. While hiding in a closet to interrupt Parliament, Alice had to pee. Lucy told her to go in one of the Lord’s boots. She said that if Alice took her up on it, she knew they’d be friends for life. And they were. I think a woman who would literally piss in the boot of the establishment is a woman I’d like to have a drink with.